Frustrated and need advice

[Taya]

I am 35+4 days pregnant and have been on modified bedrest for 10 day due to increased blood pressure.  It has been a rough pregnancy for me as I have a pre existing kidney condition and have been in and out of the hospital 6 times thought the pregnancy due to the kidney condition.  Anyhow, my husband is very uncomfortable with having people over to our apt.  Today when I mentioned my mother coming over to help me after the baby was born he became very upset.  stating  "I feel like I've had to give a lot on everything. Kinda feelin trampled here. I don't ask a lot either." and how it hasn't been easy on him and he feels he deserves a break. I understand its not easy on him either but I want and think we are going to need help. My emotions are so out of wack and I have been having a super hard last couple days. Just needed to vent and get others perspectives.

[babygMom]

Hi Taya,
Does he feel that your mom coming over when the baby is born is more of a hassle/interferance than the much needed help and relief it can be? Maybe if he sees how her coming to help will actually benefit him and take some pressure off of him he'll be open to the idea. Most of my friends who have had kids recently have had their mom over for at least part if not all of the week following birth.

I can relate with an overwhelmed and overworked husband - It usually works best when I do acknowledge that he is doing an insane amount of stuff (working + taking care of me + baby) and letting him share how he is feeling without interrupting. It's also important for me to be able share what is going on in my mind for him to hear.

Both you and your husband are definitely giving it your all and mutual respect will help a lot. Not saying you are not showing him respect but sometimes the other person doesn't see how we show it and need it shown differently.

I've also tried to think of ways I can show my appreciation for my husband - like playing his fave board game or offering to rub his back etc.

Hope that helps

[Taya]

Thanks. I appreciate all perspectives! That is why I wrote this.  He has it pretty easy. My blood pressure has been good and I have been making dinner, doing the laundry and everything that I typically do.  He has it a lot easier than most of your husbands. But he is just a stinker. He doesn't want anyone over at our house while I am on bedrest or after the baby is born. Which is frustrating to me but I will probably just leave it be.

[Taya]

I also make sure he is taken care of. I give him massages, and do lots of things for him. He is pretty spoiled....... But I do know it's not the easiest thing for him either...

[lilcapmom]

It is tough to realize what our husbands are going through.  I know I have been frustrated at times because I feel like no matter how much extra he has had to do, at least he hasn't had to put his life on hold and miss participating in what most would consider everyday activities.  A high risk pregnancy is stressful for both the mommy and daddy.  Hang in there and make sure you keep open lines of communication to discuss how you're feeling.

Good luck

Sheri

[babygMom]

As Sheri said - communication is key.
I find that most people - husbands, family and friends - don't understand how bedrest impacts the mom. It's tough to help them see that stopping most (if not all) of regular activities is not all that wonderful. My friends would try to put a positive spin on it and say I should enjoy not having to do the dishes etc but really, I'd much rather do them and contribute normally than have to stay put. There's also the emotional aspect that can be terribly difficult. I hope this forum will help you feel supported and understood.

[MommaToOlivia]

I'm so sorry, Taya! 

I've been on modified and moderate bed rest with bathroom privileges for more than 140 days and it has definitely taken a toll on my family and me.  It's been a challenge to juggle fears and responsibility... especially for my hubby.  He's been Mr. Mom, homemaker, husband, sole supporter, food shopper, laundry man, landscaper, and more.  He's been a real trooper and reminds me often that he's never going through this again - I don't want to either!  We also have (hopefully) another 5-10 more weeks of bed rest left before baby arrives at 35 weeks.  Longest, hardest, loneliest journey ever!  But I'm sure it will be worth it. 

I hope you're able to figure out a solution with your hubby and extra help that you need.  Is there a way that you can get your doctor to explain what you need to your hubby?  Sometimes when it comes from a professional... the hubby's listen more intently. 

[Taya]

Thanks everyone. I have had an eventful couple of days with contractions which actually have helped my hubby and I a lot! We have a carseat finally and are agreeing on a stroller.  Which is exciting cause those to have been stressing me out.  He has been AWESOME the last few days even when I woke him up at 1am saying we needed to go to the hospital. So that is a huge plus. Also when I went in my blood pressure was actually too low so they took me off blood pressure meds and bedrest.  So that was a relief to both of us. So I can do a little cleaning around the house and help out as much as I can which helped his stress level a lot. 

To those of you who have been on bedrest for so long I am sorry! I had 13 days and that was too much! Hang in there everyone and love to you all:)

[twinsat44]

That is great news Taya!  So happy for you that you are off of bedrest and DH has come around a bit.  I hope the rest of your pregnancy is uneventful!

Jessica

[Taya]

Thanks Jessica! Hang in there:)

[Angela]

Thanks for the update, Taya! Great to hear some good news! 

[flowerchica]

Taya - hang in there - Husbands have special pressures that are hard to deal with. I'm sure he's afraid of his life being turned completely upside down. He's probably thinking that once he can get out from under the stress of the high risk pregnancy, he can go back to feeling normal. He's probably not even ready to digest the world of stress that's coming after the baby is born. It's not a bad idea to let it be just the three of you at first - but I'm sure after a week of tending to his wife and baby non-stop, he'll be more receptive to having your mom help.