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Author Topic: a year later  (Read 2597 times)

holly

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a year later
« on: May 18, 2009 at 01:07 PM »
I went into preterm labor last July I was 21 weeks pregnant with identical twin girls (Emmalyn Grace and Evalyn Rose). The Monday before I had seen my doctor and everything checked out ok; the Thursday before I had gone to one of those special 3/D ultrasound places to get a fun dvd of the girls. Everything was going really well, until I noticed some cramping. I had mild cramps for about 2 days and didn't really think anything of it. One day I woke up with stronger cramps and when I went to the bathroom I noticed a mucus like substance, and thought hrmmmm, weird. I called my doctor and let the nurse on the phone know what was going on and she told me to go to the nearest hospital to get checked out. A friend of mine dropped me off and I told her, alright, I will call you in a few hours to come pick me up..well, I was wrong. I got there and signed in and they immediately took me to the labor and delivery section of the hospital. They hooked me up to the contraction monitor and I found out the cramps I was having were actually contractions. They checked my cervix and it was dilated as well. I was very nervous and called my mom to let her know what was going on. She was nervous but I told her I would be fine and they should be able to "fix" me in no time. Shortly after I talked to her, I had to go to the bathroom, got up and felt something..it was blood and I knew that it was a bad sign. That night I was still there and the doctor came in to let me know that if I delivered there would be barely a chance of survival. I was devastated. It was now my main goal to hold on to these girls!

My friends came to visit me and although my cramps were pretty bad and I knew that the outcome was not going to be good, they kept me laughing. They thought I was totally fine, but deep down I couldn't bear to see them leave me alone. When they left I totally broke down, laying in a bed by myself (at least they gave me my own room), not knowing what was going to happen. Throughout the night the doctors came in to check on me and to give me some pain medication. At around 5am, I woke up from a short nap feeling weird cramps, like I had to use the bathroom. I called the nurse and told her what I was feeling and she said they were push pains. I thought to myself "oh no!!!! not now!". The last thing I wanted to do was push my babies out, it was too early. She told me that if I wanted to, I could start pushing. I gave it a try, and while she went to get the doctor, I delivered the first baby. I was laying there, gave two pushes and the first baby came out without a problem..I was by myself in my bed and freaked out totally when I saw the baby just laying there. I screamed for the nurses and they came in with the doctor. They looked surprised that the baby came out so fast. After a few more pushes, the second baby came out, along with a big rush of water (which made me laugh because I hated the doctor at that point, and he got soaked with water, haha jerk!). The nurse asked me if I wanted to hold the babies and I couldn't bear to look at them. I just sat there crying and told everyone to leave the room.

I was able to deliver the first placenta without a problem, but the second one was giving me some trouble. I was losing blood at a rapid pace and they put me on morphine to try to ease the pain (of them digging around inside me trying to pull it out). The morphine did about nothing to me, and I begged for more. It was nice to see some of my coworkers and friends come in to visit, but at the same time I didn't really feel like talking to anyone. My blood loss had caused me to be very pale and I could barely raise my head from the bed to say hello. The next morning, I still had the other placenta inside and they told me I would have to undergo surgery to get it out. They gave me four bags of blood for my transfusion to be sure that I would be able to make it through. My blood pressure dropped immensely and I could barley keep my eyes open. The new blood made me feel a lot better and then I went to my procedure a few hours later.

When I woke up, I was wheeled back to my room and saw my best friend Heidi sitting there, I was so excited! She told me that our buddy Ann-Marie would be here that night, and my mom would be here in the morning. My three favorite people came out to Los Angeles from North Carolina, and that made me feel a little better. I didn't get released from the hospital until the next day (spent 4 days there).

I had gained a total of 20 lbs so far throughout the 21 weeks of pregnancy....all of those pounds were lost in the first week. I couldn't eat and couldn't sleep. Although my best friends and my mom were there with me, I knew I had to be strong. I would not cry in front of them and always had a smile on my face. I guess I just didn't want them to feel bad for me, I didn't want a pity party. After they left I went into a big depression and refused to leave the house. I would lay in my bed all day, watching the 3/D dvd I got, looking at stuff online, or just staring at the wall. I went back to my doctor for my post delivery checkup and apologized to the nursing staff. They had called me shortly after I delivered the babies and I was not happy to talk to them, I cussed them out pretty bad. At the appointment, my doctor referred me to a group for women who had lost babies in preterm labor and also prescribed me Paxil for my depression.

I ditched the group and didn't want to go. The sponsor lady I was assigned to would call me all the time and she annoyed me, so I avoided her calls. The Paxil made me crazy, I didn't eat or sleep for another week and dropped 10 more pounds. It made me feel like I was a zombie going around at 100 miles an hour. When I went back to work, I remember having to stand up at a staff meeting because I was unable to sit. My coworkers knew what had happened so they sort of just laughed and said, ahhh it's crazy Holly, no big deal.

It's almost been a year since my loss and I think that things are finally getting better. I quit blaming myself (why didn't I go to the hospital sooner, what could I have done differently??). I watch the video occasionally and have my memento boxes near my bed that I can look at whenever I feel like it. I also know that my incompetent cervix was to blame for the preterm labor, so I can let my doctor know in the future and they can take the necessary precautions.

Angela

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Re: a year later
« Reply #1 on: May 22, 2009 at 01:26 PM »
Hi, Holly.
I think its a good sign that you are able to write about your experience now. Maybe you're healing, and starting to move forward? And if you fall backward, don't be hard on yourself. It happens to all of us! A few close friends who have lost babies agree. You're just going right along, and then something triggers a memory and brings all that back. We've also talked about how getting through the first year is the hardest. You're almost there!

I absolutely dreaded Feb. 28th of this year, the one-year anniversary of finding out one of our twins had died in the womb at 17 weeks. Yes, it got tougher and tougher as the day approached, but since then I feel like it has gotten easier. I can hold on to the good parts, like seeing them together on the ultrasound, without totally loosing it. :+)

Whenever you need support, a month from now or a year from now. I'm here for you!

Angela

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Re: a year later--Message from Erin
« Reply #2 on: May 22, 2009 at 01:28 PM »
A mom from another forum just sent this to me, and I'm forwarding it to you:

For grieving support I would suggest she join LAMBS - a list specifically for those who have lost all their children in a multiple birth, whether their loss is recent or years ago. The list is associated with the Center for Loss in Multiple Birth (CLIMB).

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/LAMBS/

For Incompetent Cervix support she can join making miracles. This group is for people to learn more about the incompentent cervix, share stories of previous loss, and support each other through subsequent pregnancies with a cerclage in place.

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Making_Miracles/

I'm very sorry for her loss, it's very heartbreaking. Unfortunately I too know the pain of losing a child to Incompetent Cervix.

Regards,

Erin

Mommyto2Angels

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Re: a year later
« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2009 at 08:29 PM »
Hi Holly,

First, I want to say that I am very sorry for your losses. I hope you are doing better these days.
I just wanted to let you know that I can totally empathize with your situation. Although, I have not lost twins myself, I have endured two losses in a year due to an incomptent cervix. My first loss was last year on April 10th when I lost my daughter at 20w3d. I just lost my son on March 27th due to a failed cerclage x2.
I know that healing takes a long time. Trust me I know how it feels. The important part is that you were able to express all your feelings now. It is a huge step. Please feel free to message or email me if you wish to talk. Sometimes it is only those who have gone through what you have that can understand the most.

I wish you peace and strength.

Fawzia