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Author Topic: Scared to try again  (Read 2713 times)

Lililvraena

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Scared to try again
« on: December 03, 2009 at 08:44 PM »
Hello everyone,

My name is Emilia, and I'm totally new to this forum. This looks like a wonderful place to give and receive support from other mothers, so here is my story, and my question for any of you mamas kind enough to reply:

With my first pregnancy, I went into labor at 28 weeks, and after only six hours since my pain began, my daughter was born at 2 lbs 13 oz. She was in the hospital for seven weeks. We never found out why she came so early. She's now a very healthy, bright, wonderful four year old. And to our surprise, she's also very tall! :)

Since her birth, I have passionately wanted a second child. I always pictured having my children pretty close together, but for various reasons, only now am I to the point where I can realistically plan for another baby. My husband and I have been trying to get insurance and other financial details worked out for months, and it seems like every time things start to come together... something else slows the process. Today, I actually had an appointment with a midwife for a pre-pregnancy consult, as we think this might finally be our month to start trying. I was SO EXCITED. The appointment went great, the midwife was wonderful, the fees are reasonable... and somehow I came home feeling SO SAD. Now that I feel like I can finally have the family I've dreamed of, I'm absolutely petrified of having another preemie. For years now I've told myself "it'll be different next time" (and I definitely do have MUCH less stress in my life now), but I worry maybe it's just wishful thinking, and that I could be risking the life of a child by attempting to have another baby.  Am I crazy to consider getting pregnant again? Have any of you had a preemie this early, and then gone on to have a full-term baby?
"We have a secret in our culture, and it's not that birth is painful - It's that women are strong." ~ Laura Stavoe Harm

plmommy

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Re: Scared to try again
« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2009 at 01:05 AM »
Hi Emilia. I had an almost identical situation to yours. My first daughter was born at 29 weeks at 2 pounds 11 ounces and spent 8 weeks in the NICU. She is now 3 /12 years old and PERFECT in every way. I, like you, struggled with the idea of having a second child. No one knew why my first came early and so I was hopeful that it was a fluke and that I could have a perfectly normal pregnancy the second time around. I didn't want to be selfish and risk a child's life, but I wanted another baby so badly that I convinced myself it would all be fine. I ended up on strict bed rest at 13 weeks for a total of 5 months. I was in and out of the hospital and almost lost the baby a few times. Due to my excellent and proactive care, my second baby girl was born at 36 weeks 4 days at 5 pounds 10 ounces with no NICU time. She is our second little miracle. As unbelievably difficult as those 5 months were, it was all worth it. However, I know we were extremely lucky and the outcome could have been very different.
I know more than a few women who had preemies and went on to have wonderful pregnancies and full term babies. But I also met a lot of women in the hospital who ended up in the same or worse situation then they were in previously.
I think that if you are going to try again you must be proactive in your care. This will be key to ensuring a healthy baby.
1st, be sure you are seeing a perinatologist. One that you like and trust and one that will fight for you and your baby. I interviewed at least 4 before I found the doctor that felt right to me. Be sure to have bi-weekly cervical checks beginning at 12 weeks (be sure these are done with a vaginal ultrasound for the most accurate measurements. I ended up having an incompetent cervix (which is a very common cause for preterm labor often not diagnosed until your second complicated pregnancy).  I would also make sure you have a very strong support system in place and prepare for possible bed rest if that so happens to be something that happens ( although I hope it won't). You will need a lot of help from family and friends if this occurs. I would also insist on weekly progesterone injections.
I would be happy to talk with you more and give you my private email or phone if you have more questions. I don't believe trying for a second baby is a selfish one. It is a risk, but only you can decide if it is a risk worth taking. If you have a good safety net of support and care than you are giving yourself and your baby a good chance of a happy outcome. I wish you all the best!
Andrea

kthomson80

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Re: Scared to try again
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2009 at 12:55 PM »
Hi Emilia,
The choice is yours and only you can make it. I have been pregnant 10 times and have two children, the others have been a mixture of early and late losses and all of them presented a mixture of feelings from joy to sadness and anger. I would say never give up and that for most people it will happen someday, when the time is right. I am currently 22 weeks and 6 days and everyday I spend feeling my daughter kicking is a precious one, I am on bed rest and am a little nervous every time I pee that something will happen and for the last few days since my cerclage i have had a cold and each sneeze worries me a little too!! But I have hope and a lot of faith in my new gynaecologist who has been with me throughout this latest pregnancy. I think that the best thing is to find a good consultant who you can talk all these things through with and that may give you the confidence that you need to move forward. Please don't read this thinking omg 10 times and imagine that will happen to you, I am in the rare minority of ladies who have been extremely unlucky and misdiagnosed for at least the first 5 miscarriages, (they thought it was a genetic defect to begin with). If you feel like trying again you should because life is too short for regrets and what ifs. Talk through every angle and ask for a scan on your cervix as that seems to be a contributory factor in premature birth. My eldest child was a few weeks early and was fine and healthy and the next one just the same. So I would say its like taking a lucky dip and you never know what you will get second time around but as long as you are well prepared then it will all be ok. Good luck with your decision and best wishes for the future.

Karen x

Lililvraena

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Re: Scared to try again
« Reply #3 on: December 08, 2009 at 03:34 PM »
Andrea and Karen, thank you so much for your responses and sharing your stories. It will probably be vital for me to have the support of other mothers through a second pregnancy, particularly from moms who share my fears and experiences.

The day after I posted this, I had a discussion with my husband - asking if it would be worth canceling the insurance we'd applied for (basically as high deductible 'preemie' insurance), because I just didn't think I could risk it. He was so supportive and reassuring... even though he's been the one doubting our readiness for another baby most seriously. Actually hearing him say "I WON'T BLAME YOU", if we have another preemie, was so helpful... even though I should have known it already. So, after all our uncertainty, this will be the first cycle we try for our second child.

Andrea - It's so wonderful you made it to 36 weeks! Did you wind up with a cervical cerclage, or just the progesterone shots/bed rest? The idea of bed rest does worry me, as I'm the stay-at-home mom of a busy four year old. However, I know we have many friends and family members who would do what was necessary to help out.

Karen - I'm so sorry to hear about your losses, but your hope and dedication is inspiring. I would love to hear how your pregnancy progresses. I enjoyed every minute of pregnancy with my first child, although I obviously never felt the typical third trimester discomforts. I think preemie mamas do get the gift of truly cherishing their pregnancies, however long they are. It's kind of hard to believe some moms actually complain about being overdue...

I'll probably be visiting this forum more often in the coming months!

--Emilia
"We have a secret in our culture, and it's not that birth is painful - It's that women are strong." ~ Laura Stavoe Harm