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Author Topic: Our Journey  (Read 1140 times)

Nicole

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Our Journey
« on: November 27, 2013 at 07:21 AM »
I really want to start from the beginning but we share such a long journey already I am afraid I would take up too much of your time. We met in November 2005, we married July 15 2006. 23 years ago I had my first daughter, 20 years ago I had my first son, 13 years ago my husband had his first son, and 11 years ago he had his first daughter, and last year, February 4, 2012 we had and lost our first son together. Today, we are 30 weeks 3 days pregnant with our first daughter together. We do not know why we lost our son, we were never given a reason, there are medical issues for me, I am diabetic, I have a blood clotting disorder, and I am 41 years old, I was 39 when our son passed. We made a decision that we would not do anything to prevent another pregnancy, but we also we not going to actively try either. This was a very hard decision to make because we didn't know why, we didn't know it was even possible, I had been told for so many years that my first two kids were my miracles. PCOS (PolyCycstic Ovarian Syndrome) being the cause of this, metformin being the treatment, and in our lives, the cure for PCOS, and thus our son Reed, 2-4-12 and our daughter Kayla (still cookin). We are in the hospital because of Preeclampsia, low blood flow through the umbilical cord, and under 5th percentile for growth. We were admitted Nov. 4, and have since made it to the 30 week mark and are praying to meet the 34 week mark. It is hard to be in the hospital for me right now because we are not seeing the problems, except on occasion my blood pressure will be a little elevated, otherwise the doppler ultrasounds are showing the same, not getting worse and the blood flow is not reversing, and our last growth ultrasound indicated that Kayla has gained about 9 oz since Nov. 4th. So, she is growing and getting bigger, which we are so excited about.

It has taken me this long to tell about our journey because it as been hard for me to even read some of the stories on these pages without breaking down and crying, sometimes balling like a little child would when they are hurt. And my eyes have been tearing since I started this post. I have known the loss of a child before we ever got to know him, we don't even know what color his eyes were, or what his laugh sounded like. It is hard to imagine the rest of our lives without him physically with us, but we know that he is waiting for us, and he is watching out for his little sister while we are waiting for her. I believe this with all my heart! I know that God has plans for us, and I know that all things happen for a reason, even when I don't know or understand what those reasons are, I know they are there and someday I will understand. Who knew that a person could cry so many tears??!!

And so, our journey continues. We have been to NICU, we have seen where our daughter will be when she is born, no matter for how long that stay will be. We have seen all the wires and the machines, we have been told of all the "problems" that could happen after an early delivery. Sure doesn't make it any easier seeing all of that before hand, to try prepare yourself for what is likely to come. I will do the  best that I can to keep up with this post. Most days there is nothing new to report, nothing different to comment about. Most days we are just here, holding it all together, praying for the best outcome possible.

I pray that whoever reads this, you get something out of it. Some type of encouragement, a smile, or even just a grin and a knowing that everything will be alright. And no matter what happens, there are other people who have been there, there are other people who have done that, and there are other people who understand, who feel the same way, and there are people who cry for you, and people who smile for you. It has taken me a long time to realize that I am not the only woman in the world who has lost a child. No matter how it feels right now, or how it felt when it first happened, I am not the only one. I have lived through and so will you, even though it doesn't feel like it, I promise you will. I am also not the only woman in the world who has been put in the hospital for an extended stay, and I pretty sure that I will no be the last. Someone was here before us, someone has seen all of this before us, and someone has  lived through the same problems that we are facing, and have survived. AND SO SHALL WE!!!   

crashta

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Re: Our Journey
« Reply #1 on: December 13, 2013 at 01:36 PM »
What a beautiful post!  Your story is inspiring and you must be so excited to meet your new daughter.  Only 2 weeks away from 34 weeks!